April 17, 2016
“I miss Hunter. I miss him so much I feel as if I can reach out and touch the sorrow. I want to touch his hand, hug him, talk to him for a few minutes. I don’t want to do life without him. It still takes my breath away. I wish he could see this and interact with me some way, any way. I started reading The Shack. It is powerful but hard to read. The storyline is so relatable.
The medicine is helping. I feel like myself almost completely, minus a stomach virus. I am hoping to go home in the next few days. That way, we can go to “Dayout with Thomas” in Chattanooga next weekend. I should find out tomorrow.”
The grief was all consuming and unbearable. There is a song by Hillsong United called Ocean.
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
It was what I felt I was being asked to walked through. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of sorrow, no longer even coming up for air. I was sinking. I felt like the Lord had found an area where I wasn’t able to trust him and he was calling me to walk through this. I felt like he was taking me past any place in my faith I would accidentally stumble into. I felt that he was dragging me down into the depths. I truly felt he had a lesson to teach me there. This place that I would never chose to go on my own. This place that was painful, and ugly, and humiliating, and beautiful. I couldn’t yet see the beauty. I couldn’t yet see how my faith would be made stronger. I was angry. Very angry with God. I used to say that if he and I were in a room, I would run full strength, crash into him, and start pounding him with my fists. I couldn’t see the light for the darkness. It was all consuming. I couldn’t understand how my Savior would not only take my brother, but my sanity, my chance to breast feed, eventually he would take my job. I was completely incapacitated. I would learn, with time, this was the place I had to be. That my Savior loved me so much, he couldn’t let me live in my crippling pain. He couldn’t allow me to continue to be self-reliant. He couldn’t allow me to continue in my anxiety and stress. He was going to deliver me into a place of freedom. It was, however, going to take time and pain and struggle. The fight was going to to get harder before it got easier.
If you are in a place of pain and struggle. I promise it will eventually get easier. I want to encourage you to feel what you need to feel. Ask questions of God, yell at him, be angry, step away for awhile. He loves you and he is there for you. He is not afraid of you pain and sorrow. He is not afraid for you to take time away. He knows your pain. He is not afraid of your questioning or seeking. He was the father to the prodigal son, waiting for him to come back. He was the Savior that spoke to Peter with love and compassion even though he would deny him. He is there for you. He will wait for you. He will sit with you, even when you can’t hear him. He will welcome you back with open arms, when you are ready to face him again. He loves you.