June 1, 2016

“This journey is so long and tiring. I am overwhelmed at times but my mood is stable. My medications are helping so much. I think we finally found a great combination of medication. My fatigue comes and goes. I am finally spending more time with the kids. I am so glad.

Hunter’s autopsy report came back. I only read the summary. I decided to wait on reading the full report. It was traumatizing for Brian and my family to read. I don’t want to retraumatize myself. On Sunday, at church, I finally got to the place where I forgive the doctors and nurses who were responsible for Hunter’s death. The reason being a report from one of our missionaries in the Philippines. The missionary shared that little girls who had been sold by their parents to do sexual favors for men in the Philippines. The very men who were supposed to be helping them. These girls were forgiving these men. If these precious girls could forgive someone that brutalized them, I can forgive the people that killed my brother. I suspected, however, I may change my mind after reading the autopsy. So, I decided not to read it.”

Learning more details about Hunter’s death was what I believed held the key to my healing. I thought the more facts I had, the better off I would be. The more time that passed, I realized that the answers weren’t the key to my recovery. It was my forgiveness of these people and the forgiveness of God that would lead to that freedom. Others have forgiven people for far worse. Forgiveness, I also realized, wasn’t something that would happen all at once. Forgiveness would be more progressive. It would come in bits and pieces. Honestly, it wasn’t based on others at all. I used to think I could forgive, if I knew that these people were sorry. In the end, it wasn’t true, it was me. My ability to forgive was intrinsic. It was a letting go, a trusting.  It was ultimately between me and the Lord. I had to trust him that his plan was perfect and better than my own. As well, I was forgiven. I received my salvation and freedom through forgiveness. My sins were blotted out as far as the East is from the West. It wasn’t based on how well I performed or a list of qualifications. My forgiveness was based totally on my heavenly father’s unconditional love for me. If I was forgiven much, I must forgive others much. Someday, I hope to see some of the people that killed my brother and to be able to forgive them to their faces. I want them to walk in freedom and to experiences the peace that comes with that. If they ever read these, I want them to know they are forgiven completely.